


Crash Through the Surface (I'm still Drowning in You)

by lumierehun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:46:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22183534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumierehun/pseuds/lumierehun
Summary: After spending majority of his life chasing after futile promises Luhan has learned the hard way not to risk anything on uncertainties. But then Sehun comes in - a walking contradiction of all his beliefs, an uncertainty that catches Luhan off his feet.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Wu Yi Fan | Kris, Lu Han/Oh Sehun
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	1. Take the Fall

**_I._ **

The lewd sounds of skin slapping against each other and unsynchronized breathing of two people fill the darkness of the room like usual on a Saturday night. Winter has shown signs of coming earlier this year thus the far colder evenings that had begun taking every lick of warmth it could. Despite the eager pace of seasons changing, Luhan remains comforted by the knowledge that he will never have to endure long winter nights without another body to keep him warm - after all when one goes, another comes.

High in the moment, he inhales deeply before crying out as he finally achieves his climax. On top of him, his partner groans as well thrusting slowly as he milks out the last of his release inside Luhan. It takes them a few minutes to settle themselves and once they have finally calmed down they detach from one another, the latter taking off his condom to throw it in the trash can before going back and laying down on the huge mattress with Luhan.

“How was it?” the man asks, turning his head to look at Luhan whose gaze is directed towards the ceiling, “are we going for another round?”

The sliver of moonlight that spills into the room as Luhan adjusts himself to stare back at his partner is enough to highlight his angelic feature which slowly shifts to form a closed off expression. “Actually we’re done Jiwoo.”

“Alright,” unaware pf the implications behind Luhan’s words, Jiwoo simply reaches out and runs his fingers through the latter’s soft blonde locks, “I’ll be back on Monday then. Maybe we could have lunch or an early dinner for a date.”

Luhan sighs, gently moving Jiwoo’s hand away from his head. “When I say done what I mean is that we’re over. Let’s not see each other again.” Cold, straightforward, and impersonal Luhan had done this so many times it has lost its novelty in the long run.

Totally taken aback Jiwoo grabs Luhan by his shoulder, “What do you mean we’re o…over?” he splutters in disbelief, “we’ve only been together for two weeks. Was the sex not good? Did I not treat you well?”

As Jiwoo’s grip on his shoulder begin to tighten Luhan feels a sense of panic rise within him and so he slaps the hand away. “I said what I said Jiwoo. I’m sure you’re well aware that my relationships usually don’t last long so please don’t try and create a scene. My butler will be outside the room, he’ll escort you out of my house.”

At the finality in Luhan’s tone Jiwoo has no choice but to stand from the bed and start gathering his clothes. In a span of a few minutes, he finishes dressing up and looks back at Luhan who was now busy going through his phone. He scoffs in disbelief, glaring at the now obviously aloof CEO before stomping his way towards the door.

Feeling spiteful, he turns back to Luhan one more time and speaks, “You really think you have everything huh? Here’s a reality check Luhan, people like you will never experience real love. People will love you for your money, fame, and even your face but no one will love you for you - there’s nothing to love after all.”

Regardless of how harsh Jiwoo’s words are, Luhan’s expression never changes. He simply remains disinterested even shifting his position so that his back was facing towards Jiwoo. Seeing Luhan’s actions, the former ends up scoffing once again before finally latching his hand onto the door’s handle.

“You’re fucking pitiful.” Jiwoo’s last words are filled with malice as he slams the door shut.

Having heard all sorts of hurtful words his whole life, Luhan is left unfazed. Instead he places his phone on the bedside table and slips out of his bed like routine to head to the shower and clean himself up. The sounds of his feet padding against the oak wood floors echo softly throughout the room and just like the sound of his footsteps, memories of the night fade with the chilling breeze of the wind.

❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃

“Get up!”

Sehun groggily wakes up to Chanyeol’s deep voice booming against his ears. His upper half is pulled up rather harshly for him to sit up on the bed and the dark haired male definitely has half a mind to smack his best friend into inexistence.

Wavy black strands cover the top of Sehun’s eyelids which he first has to comb out with his fingers before he finally gets a clearer view of Chanyeol. “This better be important hyung. Why’d you have to wake me up so abruptly?”

“Sorry,” his roommate smiles at him sheepishly, “but well yeah, I just got really excited. And trust me this is important!”

Now that Sehun’s sleep induced haze has cleared a bit and he has taken a proper look at his best friend he realizes how the latter is actually dressed from head to toe - ash gray hair styled in a fashionably messy manner and Chanyeol’s usual sweatpants and baggy shirt traded for a well fitted navy blue satin dress shirt and slim fit black pants. He double takes before sending a confuse look towards his roommate.

“So, remember that party we’ve been trying to get into for the past months?” Chanyeol asks as a start, obviously failing to hide his excitement. “The invitations came in earlier. Sehun, we finally got in!”

Sehun reels back a bit from Chanyeol’s statement and stutters as he speaks, “I, uh, are you for real!?”

“Absolutely real. Also the party’s going to start at 6 so you better prepare now. The villa’s almost two hours away from here.” the giant male states, “we’ll finally have our parents off our back. I really can’t believe they’re using us as baits to snag a business deal with this Luhan.”

The younger of the two inhales deeply in agreement finally accepting the fact hat he won’t be getting any more sleep, “Yeah business is business after all. Our parents probably think we’ll have some power over him if we get into his pants.”

“Hm, I doubt that really.” Chanyeol responds with certainty, “Don’t you see the tabloids? Luhan is often the headline for a reason, and its either because he was able to seal another business deal or has changed his bed warmer.”

Sehun finally shuffles out of the bed and Chanyeol instead takes residency on it by sitting down. The younger male swiftly undresses, absolutely comfortable with Chanyeol at this point in their life and unbothered by the fact that the latter is seeing him only in his underwear as he opens his dresser.

“Are you sure you’re not reading gossip magazines hyung?” Sehun questions as he scours through his closet for something presentable, “I mean yeah it is for a fact that Luhan is a talented businessman but the thing about him changing partners frequently, wasn’t that just a rumor?”

Chanyeol’s snort is clearly heard by Sehun, “look at you being his knight and shining armor. You still have a thing for the guy after seeing him once, once! In that charity event?”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Sehun responds with a laugh as he pulls out a grey dress pants and a cream colored Louis Vuitton collared shirt. “I just think we ought to give the man the benefit of the doubt since we’re not even acquainted with him.”

“Alright point taken.” Chanyeol shrugs in defeat before standing up from Sehun’s bed. “Go take a shower, I’ll wait for you in the living room.”

The younger of the two quickly sets his clothes on his bed as Chanyeol walks towards the door before calling for the latter’s attention after remembering something, “By the way do I need to bring swimming trunks too?”

Chanyeol smiles cheekily as he looks back, “of course. You know his parties are exclusively pool parties.”

“But in this weather?”

The giant male waves off Sehun’s concern with a chuckle as he heads towards the door, “he’s filthy rich he probably has a heated pool.”

Sehun supposes that yes their host to be indeed must have a heated pool so he goes back to focusing at the task in hand, heading to the bathroom to wash away the rest of his worries.

❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃

As Chanyeol and Sehun drives further away from the city, Seoul’s skyscraper buildings are slowly dwarfed by the distance. The traffic laden and congested roads are gradually replaced by grassy fields and an emptier highway decorated on either sides by trees whose bare branches have come to life with the softer hues of gold and pink that bathes it while the winter sun sets into the horizon.

Sehun watches the scenery outside in contemplation, unable to fully appreciate it due to the fact that his mind keeps wandering over what might happen later on. “Do you think we’ll bump into anyone we know there?”

“There’s a possibility,” Chanyeol answers Sehun as he speeds up on the vacant highway, “you know how it is anyway, it’s a small world and Luhan prefers to invite bachelors like us.”

“It’s kinda hard to get into his parties though,” scrolling through his phone, Sehun connects the device to the car’s speaker and changes the song that has been playing, “we probably used up all our luck this year just for this.”

Chanyeol laughs loudly at that, “you’re being over dramatic. It’s probably just the guy being extremely picky about the people he interacts with. He’s known to have a small circle anyway so he must be taking some precautionary measures.”

“Maybe he is.” Sehun ponders as he stares at the darkening path ahead of them, “I can’t believe we’re finally doing this. I’m just hoping we don’t mess up his first impression of us or else we’re going to have our heads served on a silver platter by our parents.”

“Let’s not sell our self short Sehun, we know each other well.” the older of the two advices as he drives his car off from the main highway and into an even more secluded road. “Just act like you always do and be confident but not too confident. We don’t want him to think we’re some spoiled airheads.”

A bit more than an hour later, Sehun and Chanyeol finally find themselves driving uphill towards the huge villa where Luhan resides. Right by the entrance is an impressive mahogany gate intricately designed with a carved image of a huge tree in the center, its branches and leaves stretching out on both sides towards the cobblestone pillars that hold it up.

The driveway gate easily towers over everything else. strategically hiding the villa that lay beyond it and considering how it is automated, Chanyeol finds himself rolling his window down to show their invitations to the camera seemingly installed within the pillars. They wait for a few seconds and slowly the huge gate swings open to reveal a clearly lighted path that leads toward their final stop.

Once they reach the villa, Chanyeol finally hands his car over to the chauffeur who warmly welcomes them and instructs them to simply head inside. Now Chanyeol and Sehun are no strangers to luxurious places, however both males definitely could agree that the property in front of them is undeniably one of the best they have ever seen.

Sort of like a modern version of a cabin, the villa is a huge structure made of thick hardy wood and floor-to-ceiling windows - a three floor architectural piece built onto sturdy granite boulders and is sitting prettily on top of a cliff overlooking the sea. Considering the grandness of the place, it should have felt impersonal at most to be standing in front of it however something about the warm tones covering every inch of it and the way the glass windows give a sense of transparency, a peek of the life inside the villa, makes it feel a bit more homey.

Certainly impressed, Sehun does not wait another minute and steps forward to open the door. Soon enough they find themselves stepping foot into the living room - a wide open space connected to the dining room and is furnished impressively with furniture in varying shades of nude and a round chandelier made out of finely cut diamonds - a centerpiece which ties up the room’s interior.

Across the living room the guests are dispersed into various groups while servers carrying trays of champagne mill around, handing drinks out to anyone who seems remotely interested. Contrasting with the buzz of idle chatter filling the area is the sound of musical instruments being played together, dulcet tones carried throughout the place further building the event’s atmosphere.

“So this is how the infamous Luhan throws a party huh,” Chanyeol comments in a low voice still busy observing his surroundings, “I must say I admire a bit of this man’s taste. The party’s flashy but not too much of a “in your face” kind of flashy.”

Sehun hums in affirmative, quickly noticing that despite the display of luxury by the party’s host there is no overwhelming sense of pride or boastfulness in the way the event’s being conducted. What makes this possible is perhaps the fact that the place’s splendor is masked and toned down by how put together it is and its elegance. Making it seem like Luhan really has no intentions of showing off and is simply contented in having others appreciate the design of his villa.

Furthermore contrary to their expectations of the party being exclusive for bachelors only, the guests in the living room are made up of ladies as well. Some of them seemingly invited together with their other half while the others look to be single and therefore to mingle on their own.

Seeing as they have not bumped into anyone familiar yet, both Chanyeol and Sehun continues to walk until they find themselves going down a flaring circular staircase which soon leads them to the den where a fully equipped bar has been installed together with a gaming area consists mostly of arcade themed machines. Past all of these and is separated outside by a sliding glass door is the focal point of the first floor which is the infinity pool - a utility in the villa which obviously has become successful in garnering the attention of the guests if the number of people taking a dip is of any indication.

Chanyeol grins upon setting his sight at the pool, wordlessly pulling Sehun with him and swiftly crossing the threshold with long strides made possible only because of their tall stature. As soon as they reach outside the stinging sensation from an undeniably cold breeze greets them and they slowly realize why. Rather than grasslands, the scenery lying thousands of feet below the villa is the striking blue sea which brings a night air that is far colder than usual.

Fortunately just as Chanyeol had predicted the pool in the villa is a heated one making it possible for people to swim in it despite the freezing temperatures. Knowing how his roommate has always been fond of swimming, Sehun had more or less expected the eager shoulder bump that Chanyeol sends him which is obviously a signal for them to go swim sooner rather than later.

“Chill hyung,” Sehun chuckles in response at seeing Chanyeol’s excited behavior. “We haven’t even met Luhan yet. We’ll have to introduce ourselves first.”

Chanyeol calms down a bit at that, “You’re right. But where could he be?” he wonders as he surveys the area again, “We’ve been here for quite some time now but we haven’t even seen a shadow of him.”

“He’s still probably busy greeting the other guests.” Sehun says as they head back inside and towards the area of the bar. “Are you planning to drink a lot tonight hyung?” he questions Chanyeol who starts to make himself comfortable on one of the stools situated in front of the counter where the drinks are being served.

“Just three glasses at most.” the latter answers before patting Sehun’s back gently, “I know you well enough Oh, and I know you’re probably going to get shitfaced if I don’t stop you. So I’ll make sure I’m sober enough to look after you so that we don’t end up embarrassing ourselves here.”

Just as he was about to give Chanyeol a piece of his mind for pointing out his drinking habits like that, the growing murmurs of the guests around them causes Sehun’s attention to shift onto something else. He bites back the cheeky comeback he was about to deliver and proceeds instead to look at the stairs where most of the guests began moving towards.

“Isn’t that him?” Chanyeol points at the man descending the stairs and Sehun finally understands what the fiasco is all about. Looking at the man’s face, it seems as if not a day has passed since Sehun last caught a glimpse of him in that charity gala two years ago. Blessed with a cherubic face, soft features, and a medium almost nearing petite built, Sehun has always been a firm believer that Luhan is one of the few people in this world gifted with ageless beauty.

Sehun watches him intently, unconsciously engrossed with the man’s every move. As expected the guests make way for Luhan as he walks towards the center of the room, every fibre of his being dripping with elegance and a certain brand of quiet confidence not everyone could pull off.

“Good evening everyone,” the host of the night finally speaks, effortlessly gathering everybody’s attention despite the gentle timbre of his voice. “I’m absolutely grateful and elated to see that a lot of you have warmly responded to my invitation and has graced me with your presence tonight.” Luhan says with a captivating smile, looking around the room as if he’s talking to each and every one of them.

“I don’t plan to bore all of you out with my greetings so let me make this short.” he jokes and most of the guests chuckle in response more for the sake of etiquette rather than them actually finding it funny, “As tonight’s host I hope that all of you will enjoy the party I have prepared. Feel free to drink and eat as much as you want, feel free to make friends and even feel at home. I am looking forward to having fun with all of you, please put yourselves at ease and have a blast tonight. Thank you.”

Luhan ends his speech with a huge smile blossoming on his face while all the guests clap for him. Just seconds after his speech, the man of the night is soon busy with majority of the guests trying to strike up a conversation with him. He entertains them well, giving each of them a spare of his time as he slowly makes his way towards the pool area.

“Let’s go hyung.” Not one to let an opportunity pass by him, Sehun finally sees a leeway and pulls Chanyeol with him to go outside as well. Just like he had expected due to the amount of guests trying to get Luhan’s attention, Chanyeol and him were able to reach the pool area first.

Unaware of his plan, Chanyeol stares at him curiously, “Why are we here? Shouldn’t we be hanging around Luhan like the others?”

“He’s on his way here anyways.” Sehun resolutely answers, having formed his mind on their next course of action, “Once he steps out we should casually greet him and then do our best to form a long conversation.”

“Sounds good enough.” the older of the two agree and waits patiently together with Sehun for Luhan. They converse some more for a few minutes and luckily they don’t have to wait too long because soon enough Luhan is finally stepping outside.

Quick on their feet both males does not waste any more of their time and approaches Luhan who is no longer surrounded by as many people as there were earlier. Being the more friendlier one out the two, Chanyeol was just about to start a conversation when he notices something off about Luhan.

He instantly stops in his tracks and also grabs Sehun by his arm to prevent him from moving any closer to Luhan. Surprised by his best friend’s actions, Sehun looks at Chanyeol in confusion before shrugging the man’s hand off of him, “What’s wrong, why did you not greet him? We were so close hyung.”

“Sehun,” Chanyeol begins, his eyebrows furrowed in thought, “Look at him. Don’t you think he walks weirdly?”

Not sure about what his roommate means, Sehun immediately directs his attention to Luhan and observes him. He carefully watches the CEO in an attempt to understand what Chanyeol is talking about and quickly realizes what was about to happen. Without another word, he rushes towards Luhan’s direction wondering furiously why none of the guests are stopping the latter who is now obviously staggering towards the pool.

As Sehun runs, his attention solely directed on Luhan, he fails to see that the reason why none of the guests are stopping the party’s host from making a mess is because they find it entertaining to see someone with such a perfect image make a fool out of himself. While some of the guests busy themselves with taking a video of what was about to happen, Sehun quickens his pace but ultimately fails in reaching Luhan in time.

Like a scene out of a movie, Luhan loses control of his body and ultimately ends up falling face first into the pool which immediately causes a fiasco. The guests find themselves gaping and gawking at such unpredictable turn of events all of them waiting for Luhan to emerge quickly and call it off as a joke. However Sehun who has seen it all in a far closer distance than others was obviously able to notice that exact moment when Luhan had closed his eyes and slip into unconsciousness.

He rushes even more, diving into the water without preamble before swimming towards Luhan whose body has started to sink towards the deeper part of the pool. If it were any other time, Sehun would have marveled at Luhan’s beauty as the light reflecting in the pool succeeds in making him look even more ethereal to the point of being untouchable.

But this was a life and death situation and as Sehun moves even closer he starts to realize that Luhan’s color had begun to turn translucently pale therefore making the former swim even faster. Despite the heaviness of his clothes clinging onto him in addition with Luhan’s weight, Sehun quickly finds himself emerging from the water with his right arm tightly wrapped around Luhan’s waist - his body screaming in pain due to the coldness of the wind that greets them when they reach the surface.

With the adrenaline rush coursing throughout every inch of his body Sehun successfully ignores the spiteful breeze and hefts Luhan up onto dry land before he pulls himself off the pool as well, moving precisely and quickly as he immediately proceeds to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation. He carefully adjusts Luhan’s body, tilting the latter’s head a bit before he starts doing first aid to bring the latter back.

Completely in disbelief, majority of the guests watch everything unfold with bated breaths - a collected sigh of relief echoing all over the place when Sehun finally succeeds and Luhan coughs water out of his lungs. “Hey, hey do you hear me?” Sehun worriedly asks, gently tapping Luhan’s shoulder.

Despite being conscious Luhan is unable to properly respond and simply continues to look at Sehun with dazed eyes and a hazy expression. Uncertain about Luhan’s condition, Sehun carefully puts his arms under the CEO’s knees and back before lifting him off the ground with ease, bridal style. “It’s alright you can trust me.” he assures Luhan who looks at him dubiously despite being in the brink of losing his consciousness once again. 

Fully aware that Luhan is absolutely helpless as of the moment, Sehun secures his grip on the latter and brings him closer immediately giving instructions to the nearest servant to ask for help. Drifting in and out of consciousness, Luhan could barely grasp what was happening and soon finds himself closing his eyes.

Despite doing his best to fight off the tendrils of unconsciousness clinging onto him viciously, Luhan’s head instantly falls against Sehun’s chest as he helplessly surrenders and spirals into a void of dreamless sleep.


	2. Infallible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luhan knows it best - knows perfectly well that wretched habits die hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest I haven't been in my best state the past weeks. January and the start of Feb has been such a draining time for me and there's hardly any one I could talk to it about. But yeah, writing has always been my escape when things turn shitty so I tried my best to finish this chapter even when I'm not in the best headspace. But enough about that, I hope you're all feeling better though and that you're living your days happily! All the best to everyone, here's chapter 2. (tw: mentions of a panic attack, and stressful events ahead)

_****II.** ** _

****

Luhan has expected this much.

It’s been months and the villa has become a tad bit too quiet after he was left to live mostly by himself. He hums softly as he styles his hair, tousling it with his fingers while anticipating the inevitable meeting.

It slowly becomes more audible, the sound of heels clicking against the wooden floor as someone approaches Luhan's walk in closet and the latter could easily picture it, small round eyes narrowed in annoyance and plush lips drawn into a firm line ready to spit out a string of angry words. He waits for it, not even batting an eye in surprise when his door finally slams open then comes in the person he has missed the most.

"I thought you said no more parties!?" the newcomer scowls at Luhan, face remaining beautiful despite the negative twist in her features and her exasperated stance. Dressed stylishly in black from head to toe and with a white fur coat to match, she easily looks intimidating however Luhan's perception of her would beg to differ.

So he takes it in stride, suppressing a chuckle as he looks at his twin through the mirror's reflection before smiling warmly, "Good evening to you too Joohyunie."

"Don't even," Joohyun raises a finger in irritation to stop Luhan from speaking as she swiftly crosses the room to move closer to him, "You promised me Han. You said you would stop."

Luhan blatantly blocks out her words and stands, stepping away from the vanity chair before turning around to embrace his sister tightly. "I missed you so much."

Although perturbed by her brother’s actions Joohyun melts a bit at that, wrapping her arms around Luhan as well with a sigh, "I missed you too.” she huffs before continuing, “even when you're the world's biggest idiot."

The doe eyed male pulls away with a grin, "See, this is why you're my favorite sister! You never lie and since we're twins, you're practically a big idiot too."

"Ugh, what a child." Joohyun says looking mildly offended by Luhan's statement before gathering her thoughts again and giving he brother a piece of her mind, "But back to the issue. Han, you said you won't hold parties like this again!"

The thing about being twins with Luhan is that Joohyun knows just how relentlessly stubborn her brother could get. Despite the many times that she has tried to stop him from getting into a mess, Joohyun constantly finds herself in the brink of a meltdown because of Luhan’s insistence to throw himself into a pit of raging fire. The situation now would be a perfect example of it, with Luhan exhbiting his professional skills of ignoring Joohyun’s sentiments in favor of shifting the topic of conversation from him to her.

He then reaches out, fingers gently skimming through the material of Joohyun's coat. "Is this a fur coat?" he asks her, tone every bit scandalized, "Aren't you an ambassador for animal welfare? Joohyun how can you do this?"

Joohyun does not hesitate to deliver a hard flick on her twin's forehead torn between being amused and appalled by the latter's accusation. "Stop trying to divert my attention! And for your information this coat was made out of fake fur." his sister huffs, "You know how I value my advocacies, there's no way I'd deliberately sabotage it."

"You're so cute when you're angry." Luhan comments as he quickly pinches Joohyun's cheeks, barely keeping his hands unscathed as his sister tries to hit it. He uncontrollably chuckles at the furious expression on her face, waiting a bit for her to calm down before schooling his lips into a soft smile and gently grabbing her hand to lead her to the terrace.

Joohyun follows him without another word, trying to analyze the situation with high hopes that her brother is wielding to her this time like he did just a few months ago. She observes him carefully while he slides the door open to the balcony, the cold breeze of December instantly embracing their lithe forms as they reach outside,

As they get closer to the railing, the twins also slowly get taken by the scenery - the pale light of the moon somehow enough to encompass the vastness of the sea that lie below the villa. Further tingling their senses is the ceaseless sound of the waves crashing against the sharp edges of the boulders beneath the place and obviously becoming sort of a welcome distraction as it blankets the atmosphere little by little like a soothing lullaby. With this, it is unavoidable that a few minutes passed by in contemplation before Luhan finally grabs the lighter and cigarette box out of his pocket - lighting up a stick just as he speaks.

"So, what brings you here to my humble abode?" He presses the tip of the cigarette onto his lips, inhaling the sweet scent of death into the deepest crevices of his lungs. “Was it mother who tattled on me?”

“Don’t be a fool,” Joohyun does not even show a hint of remorse when she swiftly pulls the cigarette out of Luhan’s hold and steps on it, “No one told on you. I just found out because Seulgi and Wendy are your guests and they posted their invites on Instagram. Also you promised me you’d stop smoking too, didn’t you? What is this Han, are you showing me just how well you can break your promises?”

****

Luhan leans forward, setting both of his arms on the ledge of the terrace before responding. “I really missed you, you know?” he breathes deeply staring wistfully at the winter sea, “And I’m sorry for breaking my promises Joo. I mean there’s no proper way of justifying my actions anyway. I just fuck up everything, don’t I? I fuck it up.” he scoffs to himself and with their close proximity, Joohyun instantly becomes a witness of her twin’s escalating anxiousness.

Having frequently encountered this before, it takes no time for Joohyun to immediately spot the signs and grow worried at the panic attack that was about to take place. She quickly reaches for Luhan’s hands, engulfing it with the warmth of her own. “Hey, hey focus on me.” Joohyun tries to soothe him while his breathing begins to falter, “you’re not fucking anything up okay? You’re fine Han, we’re fine. Now breathe, listen to my voice okay?”

Despite Joohyun’s efforts, Luhan has obviously started to feel emotionally overwhelmed stepping back from the railings as his vision blurs from that tears streaming down his face. Even the thickness of his clothes and the warmth of his sister’s hand seemed incapable of protecting him from the coldness that was stirring inside of him, a chilling sensation creeping through every crevice of his body and grasping him by the neck until he’s left suffocating on his own breath.

Joohyun swiftly moves her free hand and places it on Luhan’s back, rubbing it gently while trying her best to make her twin sync his breathing with her. “Yes, that’s it.” she continues to pacify him with her voice and gestures, reassuring him calmly to prevent him from spiraling further into this pit of self-destruction once again.

****

She holds Luhan’s hand, carefully guiding him back to his room to protect them from the gradually freezing temperature outside. Joohyun sits him down on the bed, pouring him a glass of water from the pitcher placed on top of his bedside table. Joohyun observes him with a concerned look on her face and patiently waits for him to drink everything before sitting beside him then finally pulling him close so that he could lean on her.

Almost half an hour passes by like that - with Joohyun trying her best to comfort her distraught twin. She continues to hum a soft tune under her breathe keeping an eye out while Luhan remains weakly slumped against her shoulders, his gaze void of any emotion except defeat as his restlessness gradually subsides. The tension from earlier slowly fades with their every breathe and only then does Joohyun begin to allow herself to feel a bit shaken up. Despite the frequent times something like this has happened before, the latter thinks there is no way she could ever get used to it.

If only she could undo the pain that had triggered such a long-lasting trauma within Luhan she would gladly do so. Specially if it means that her twin won’t have to live another day suddenly blaming himself or being crippled by memories that refuse to stop haunting him up to his every waking breathe.

Joohyun closes her eyes from the sudden onslaught of emotions that washes through her after remembering how much Luhan has suffered, doing everything she can to keep herself together when she suddenly feels her twin gingerly squeezing her hand. “Thank you.” he croaks out, voice dripping with exhaustion but also with glaring relief.

“For what? Nagging you like our mother?” she jokes in an effort to make the atmosphere lighter, silently grateful that Luhan spoke just in time for her to avoid herself from feeling too emotional.

Although worn-out by what happened Luhan fortunately responds with a light chuckle. “No, thank you for being here. You must have been tired after such a long travel but you’re still here looking after your twin who’s a pain in the ass.”

“You’re not a pain in the ass Luhan.” Joohyun softly says in response while gently rubbing her thumb against the back of Luhan’s hand, “a bit scarred yes but never a pain in the ass. You haven’t done anything to warrant that label. This, your panic attacks, it doesn’t make you a pain in the ass. And you don’t have to blame yourself for it because it’s not your fault that you you went through such a shitty phase in your life.”

“Stop saying it like that,” Luhan weakly replies, voice wavering a bit. “I might have to start believing you if you continue telling me that. Besides we both know the truth Joohyun. I chose to be there at that point in my life and for that reason alone I only have myself to blame.”

There is an unavoidable twinge of pain brought by Luhan’s words that makes Joohyun’s chest ache a little. All her life the only thing Joohyun wanted for her twin was to be able live happily and always be out of harm’s way. Regardless of such wishes though it seems as if happiness was a notion that constantly remained elusive in Luhan’s life, a pipe dream that he continuously chased until it reached a point wherein even his own actions had begun to hurt him.

Despite the awful circumstances, Luhan had remain steadfast in his pursuit for a blissful life but Joohyun had seen it all - how the life her twin had carefully built managed to collapse bit by bit until it completely fell into shambles and all that was left in the middle of all the debris was a broken Luhan. From then on she knew that it would take a long time for her twin to heal so in his stead it is Joohyun that remained hopeful, thinking that one day Luhan would learn to truly live and love his life once again.

“You should go down. I’ll follow soon.” says the doe eyed male as he composes himself finally moving away from Joohyun’s warmth and comforting hold. Upon hearing her brother’s words the latter quickly pulls herself out of her stupor and stands, preparing to leave but not before giving Luhan another concerned look.

She worried stares at him and at the way he tries to pull himself together, “Will you be okay down there? If you don’t want to appear it’s alright, I’ll be the one to greet the guests and send them off.” Joohyun offers, keeping her gaze on Luhan as the latter nibbles on his bottom lip.

“I’ll be fine, there’s no need to worry.” Luhan quickly straightens his posture before standing as well, obviously putting up a facade to ease his twin’s worries. “I’ll be there in a minute or two let me just retouch a bit. We wouldn’t want the guests running away just because of my swollen face, right?”

“You look perfectly fine Han.” Joohyun assures him then reaching out and putting her twin in a quick embrace. “Don’t ever second guess okay? You have me and I’ll always be there for you.” she murmurs softly to him uncertain about whose feelings she’s trying to soothe, if it is her brother’s or merely hers.

When Joohyun releases Luhan from the hug there is almost a bittersweet smile that makes itself visible on her brother’s face but Luhan holds back, ruffling Joohyun’s hair instead to avoid the litany of sad thoughts that might slip from the tip of his tongue. He then watches her leave with a reassuring stare before sitting down on his bed once again.

A few minutes later, once Luhan is the only one left in his room he quickly opens the top cabinet in his bedside table and grabs his prescription medicine. It does not take much time for him to open the small bottle and drop three pills into his waiting palm which he quickly gulps down with a glass of water. He closes his eyes, waiting a bit for the liquid to settle in his stomach before finally moving.

He gets up from his bed, finally heading towards his bedroom door ready to put his pretenses up and face the world.

❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃❃

“Congratulations for pulling off another great party,” as soon as he has stepped down from the third floor to greet his guests, Luhan is immediately swarmed by people who obviously wants to cozy up to him and take advantage of his influence. From across the room he catches sight of some of his friends who simply sends him a wave, the lot of them all too familiar with the current scenario.

Luhan sends a smile back in return before quickly focusing back on the guests surrounding him. He acts like he always does, a measured smile and a curious gaze as if he’s truly interested in the words being said to him even though he really is doing his best to hide his amusement. After all, he has always seen this as an efficient distraction because of how entertaining it is to see all these people, born and living on such high pedestals, chase after him for a second of recognition.

There is no denying how egoistical it sounds but Luhan admits that more often than not he finds himself thriving during these times because it gives him a twisted sense of comfort. And even for just a short amount of time, Luhan is able to delude himself and act as if he has a semblance of control over his life. Regardless of how painful the whiplash of reality is when everything is back to normal - during these moments Luhan believes he can fool the world and make them think that he has ascendancy over his life, a trait that puts him above them all.

This, this was easy.

Routine is easy and this is the type of routine that holds Luhan’s stability together by a thread. The familiarity that comes from the sound of chatter all over the villa and the buzz of life from all these people crowding around him, giving him their attention, keeps Luhan’s sanity intact even when he fully knows that this habitual practice of throwing parties is as toxic as it gets.

Find a bed warmer, keep him for a week or two then change. If there was anything Luhan’s scars had taught him it is the painful truth that attachments are bound to end up with disastrous results. When you start getting too comfortable, letting too much of someone in to your life, that is when everything slowly gets licked by flames. You’ll start leaching off each other’s vulnerability until it is too late for you to see that you are both caught up in the fire and everything is burning and you can’t do anything but watch it all turn into ashes.

Luhan catches himself before he completely zones out then proceeding to push away all these draining thoughts in his head. He continues to go around the villa, the faces of the people coming up to him vanishing bit by bit in his memory as the minutes tick by. There was no use in remembering all of them anyway, Luhan was not the one who needed them it was the other way around and he finds no reason in putting effort on things that does not have a sense of purpose for him.

At some point, after interacting with majority of the guests in the second floor Luhan finds himself both tired and a little bit drowsy despite barely having a drop of alcohol in his system. To ease his nerves he subtly looks for Joohyun among the people in the living room but much to his disappointment he finds himself unsuccessful. So he proceeds to finally go down to the ground floor and greet the guests there hoping as well that he would catch sight of his sister.

Just as he had predicted everyone’s eyes are instantly on him when he reaches the stair. And similar to what he did earlier, he greets the guests and tells them to have a blast just like he has done many times before - a beguiling smile plastered on his face to charm everyone and prevent them from noticing how he is quickly scanning the crowd for his sister. As his eyes go over the people in the room, Luhan unconsciously finds his gaze lingering a second too long over a male guest standing by the bar table.

Realizing this, he swiftly strains his eyes away knowing to himself that there are more pressing matters at hand and that he could go back to finding a bed warmer later. Once the guests have settled a bit after the greeting, Luhan decides to head to the pool area just to check if he could finally find Joohyun in there.

Once again a lot of those he had invited comes up to him and does their best to form a conversation with him making it a lot more difficult for Luhan to reach the pool area in a short amount of time. Despite the situation, the latter tries his best to look put together but even his efforts slowly become futile when his senses start betraying him causing him to hear gibberish with each passing seconds instead of the fully formed sentences being said by the people around him. He carefully blinks his eyes trying to recover before looking around more frequently, hoping to get a glimpse of his twin however not even a strand of Joohyun’s hair could be seen.

When he finally reaches the pool area Luhan’s limbs already feel a lot heavier, an obvious foreboding of the mess he was going to make, and his control a bit too far from his grasp as if any time now he could fall to the ground but not be able to get up. The process is instantaneous and as Luhan slowly becomes unaware of his surroundings, he fails to see the guests carefully distancing themselves from him as they grow weary from the seeing the sluggish twist in his movements.

The sounds around him bring forth a hammering pain in Luhan’s head -his senses further going haywire as his vision swims in a mix of strong, vivid shades of red and blues and purple until his eyelids are growing heavier, closing in on him as he moves forward in panic. He breathes heavily, head swimming in a state of force emptiness while his body feels as if it is shutting down.

It’s the pills.

Luhan knows it’s the medication that is causing him to lose his grip of reality and then pushing him into this state of unconsciousness. He knows that he should not have taken it if he wanted to stay awake for the rest of the night but Luhan, a coward through and through had chosen the easy way out. He preferred this, betting on the small probability of staying awake instead of experiencing the crippling anxiety that constantly overshadowed the normalcy of his life and was planning to get unhinged the second time earlier tonight.

He does his best to reign in every ounce of his strength but it was no use. One second Luhan is on dry land and the next, his plunging deep into a state of pure nothingness. The water from the pool giving way to him and cradling the weight of his body until he is falling deeper into it, his sense of survival no longer tangible as his mind sinks further within the pit of unconsciousness.

He can’t breathe, the water quickly filling up his lungs with every inhale. Luhan knows there was no saving him from this and he tries to fight it off but the weariness that finds its home within him makes his bones too heavy, limbs too limp, and mind too unclear to see through the haze of a dreamless sleep. The few seconds of this endless crash feels like an hour stretch far too long and when Luhan finally gives up, the solid contact of an arm around his waist makes him foolishly hold on to that single thread of hope.

Luhan thinks his heart might have stopped for a second, it is not an entirely baseless thought, not when the first drag of air into his lungs is both painful and relieving almost similar to the feeling of getting pricked by an absurd amount of needles in order to release the tension in your body. With how disoriented he is, Luhan could barely focus on anything else despite the myriad of things assaulting his senses all he could focus on is the burn in his chest and the heavy feelings brought by the worried gaze directed towards him.

The world tilts in its axis as Luhan feel himself being lifted up but it also has become less chilly, and he clings onto that feeling, finding comfort from the warmth that encases him. He focuses on opening his eyes but the pull of his medication is far too strong and before he could even catch a glimpse of his savior, Luhan is smothered into a state of endless oblivion.

Sehun looks down at the man he is carrying and worriedly sighs at how he looks weaker as more seconds go by. He no longer waits for one of the servants to come back to assist him before going back inside the den where it is far more warm. Shock is an understatement when the guests inside sees Luhan and Sehun’s current state however the latter does not pay them any attention, further heaving up the doe eyed male in his hold and disregarding his own well being in favor of Luhan who has long become unconscious.

The sounds of whispers and hush voices spread further throughout the place as the drenched figures of both males are seen by more guests. Sehun successfully ignores it but it seems he does not have to try for too long because as a figure descends from the stairs, the sound of gossip quickly dies down into a stifling silence. When Sehun looks up, the sight of a familiar face causes him to take a step back.

They stare at each other far longer than what is deemed to be normal and when they finally get a hold of themselves, Joohyun is the first one to move rushing down the stairs in record time and then fretting over her twin who remains asleep and drenched in Sehun’s arms,

“What did you do to him?” she questions Sehun with such a menacing tone making the latter unconsciously gulp in fear. He tries his best not to be intimidated and stand his ground but when it has become obvious that Joohyun would not back down. Sehun grits his teeth in annoyance and starts to explain.

After all, it was of no use to further delay the long night ahead of them.


End file.
